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From Behind Our White Picket Fence
Sex and Car Culture - Part 1
by: Freddy & Eddy
So here we find ourselves, among the pages of our beloved LA Weekly, kicking off the newest experiment by the dice-rollers-that-be in the hopes that, as "they" say, "sex sells."
Who are we to be granted this vaunted assignment? Well, we can tell you who we aren't much more accurately, which is to say we are nobody. Not Hollywood writers, not hip musicians, not film critics, not Brad and Angelina, not anyone, in fact, whom you might find any more interesting than the majority of faceless citizens who comprise the real soul of Los Angeles. We're nobody and everybody, just like most of you.
For you see it's not that celebrity and fame (and the aspirations to find these things) don't have their place in the fantasies of the next crop of Betty Sues that emerge from LAX or couch potatoes addicted to "Lost" or Joel Steins hacking out the next crappy sitcom; but it's just that there are so goddamn many of us who simply toil no differently than the folks in Bakersfield or Baton rouge, clocking in to jobs that run the local economy without regard to living in Bel Air mansions or Wilshire condos. We are, in other words, you. We live in a small Mar Vista neighborhood home, white picket fence and all, and we work our asses off for weekends down in Venice Beach and Thursday trips to Costco (for no other reason than to see if anything's changed since our last visit and to chat with friends we inevitably run into). In and Out, for us, really does friggin' rock and so, for that matter, does every program on KCRW.
That we will be writing about sex on a weekly basis is a story in itself, one which will unfold over the coming weeks (Months? Years?), and will explain how we, a milquetoast married couple of 17 years, suddenly became immersed knee-deep in LA's other "the business" and continue to climb the ladder toward profitability in our own interpretation of its many avenues (double-speak for "We own a porn store."). However, that's all for another time; the task at hand is to somehow make sex as much a part of the LA Weekly as, say, "A Considerable Town" or "Column Dave," though we have no illusions of comparable quality. Our topics will range from chronicling our adventures at adult trade shows to explaining how to choose sex toys to answering some of the dumbest sexual questions we've ever received in the last 5 years to whatever we come up with 5 minutes before our column is due. So sit back, don't get too pissed off that we're here, and try to act entertained. Or turn the page.
One thing that we do promise, though, is to focus as much locally as possible. Be warned we will probably induce wretched convulsions in our flowery praise for all things South. We know LA is a sexy town, so we'll either point this out in the obvious (Pleasure Chest and Yamashiro's) or attempt to find things under your collective radars. For this, we hope to enlist you, the sex-having Angelinos (and even you poor souls down the 405 in OC), to help lead us to some erotic nuggets of which we might not be aware. Feel free to e-mail us if you have any cool leads and we'll hold up our end and investigate. After all, we like getting laid (albeit with each other) and like reasons to do so as much as the next person.
In a small diversion from what will come and in honor of our favorite issue, we'd like to join in the spirit and name our own "Best of" choices, revolving around that which we can't escape here in Southern California - the automobile. Yes, we're in agreement with those who lament the demise of the Red Cars and we try to drop our 75 cents into the Big Blue Bus every chance we get; but it's a sad fact that even we have to hit the 101 during rush hour sometimes and, on the other side of the spectrum, a night cruise up Sunset simply can't be topped anywhere across the globe. Besides, with Nic Harcourt taking us through the morning and Jason Bentley chilling out our evenings, the car can sometimes be the best kind of sanctuary.
Best Things to Use While Driving: Autosuck and Autovibe (available from www.wildinsecret.com) - plug one of these devices into your car's lighter socket and head south. The Autosuck envelopes your erection in a latex jelly sleeve and simulates the great sex - sans female attached, while the Autovibe can be set to three speeds to set mobile clits in motion.
Honorable mentions go to the Bachelor Pad , an ingenious silicone glove for masturbating (just add lube) and the Fukuoku 9000 finger vibrator. Originally designed for headaches, the tiny Fukuoku has now found a lower calling and provides just enough subtle vibrations to make your next trip to Trader Joe's about more than just the humus. For lube, we always turn to a brand called Sliquid , which offers a glycerin-free and all-natural line of slippery stuff in just about every variant.
Best Places to Have Sex in Your Car - Parked: Palos Verdes - we'd rather not name the exact spot (let's keep the police as vague as we can, shall we?), but head up Palos Verdes Drive to the parking lot looking back toward Redondo. You'll be rewarded with incredible views all the way to Point Dume and the lot offers plenty of space to put between you and your fellow parkers. Mulholland drive still has plenty of discreet spaces to plant a kiss, just be wary as the residents WILL call the police. Honorable mention - the roof top parking spaces in Santa Monica . Located on 2 nd and 4 th Streets, the top of these lots offer ocean views and a high "risk factor," which always adds to our excitement. We've actually had a couple of hot encounters right at the railing as cars cruised past, which were unbelievable. While moving, driving on PCH - from County Line to Oxnard - late at night is just the ticket for having hot sex or getting a hummer, while Topanga Canyon offers plenty of time for oral play or solo fun.
Best Car-Themed Adult Videos - "Jenna's Built for Speed" and "Lost Angels." Though both are a few years old, the former features Jenna Jameson, Jill Kelly, Serenity, and Brittany Andrews in an all-girl series of scenes revolving around cars, while the latter features Serenity and Alex Sanders in a seriously hot desert tryst on the hood of his classic. Featuring Los Angeles as the backdrop for back seat action is "Drive," starring Monique Alexander and Savannah Sampson cruising the streets of LA looking for trouble (and getting IN trouble), while Stormy Daniel's "The Closer," finds a hapless group of car salesmen scrambling to, well, "close" some deals having nothing to do with engines and tires. All titles are produced by Wicked Pictures, based just over the hill in the Valley (where else?).
Best CD's to Play While Having Sex in Your Car - Weekend Players - "Pursuit of Happiness," Lida Husik, "Joyride," Nightmares on Wax, "Carboot Soul," and Shpongle's "Are We Shpongled." Music to make love to needs to be as little of a distraction as possible (we still haven't figured out why the hell "Bolero" gets so much press), so these picks have little to no lyrics, meander on at just the right pace, and provide just the right ambiance for serious heavy petting. Another great set of CD's come from a company called Sounds Erotic , who have produced a series of sexy stories (think books-on-tape meets Penthouse letters) perfect for long drives with a partner (www.soundserotic.com).
Best Stations for Mood Music: No-brainer: KCRW (89.9 FM). Yes, "All Things Considered" and "Marketplace" are two programs that would put us in the Betty Ford clinic after a week's absence, but it's this station's amazing music programming that always puts us in the mood to fuck our brains out. We'll take Nick Harcourt (Morning Becomes Eclectic) in heavy morning traffic any day of the week, while Jason Bentley (Metropolis), Garth Trinidad (Chocolate City), Raul Campos , and Liza Richardson (The Drop) spin some of the best groove, chill, soul, house, and funk you WON'T find on any other station. With all the shit on our FM dials, it's nice to know one button won't bombard us with Brittany Spears wannabees and 50-Cent hoodlums. Amen.
Finally, we'd be negligent if we didn't mention The Pleasure Chest , (7733 Santa Monica Blvd., Hollywood, 323-650-1022) which continues to be the best "Toys R Us" for adults anywhere and is worth a drive all the way down from Frisco, the website Hidden Self, run by local girl-gone-good Jenn Ramsey, the amazing Jordan Dawes and his Bonkum Extreme, and of course our own website
(www.freddyandeddy.com) and store here in Mar Vista (visit our website for more information).
Next Week: Coastal Pleasures and Sexy Treasures - A Journey into the West Side's Pleasure Zones and Part 1 of How to Pick and Choose a Vibrator.
