There’s an unspoken “golden” rule amongst the sexually active, particularly vulva owners, to prevent urinary tract infections (UTIs) — always get up and pee after sex, no matter how tired and satiated you are. After all that grinding and thrusting, bacteria (be it your own or your partner’s) near the anus and vaginal openings can wiggle its way up through the urethra and wreak havoc on the urinary tract. Urinating can help flush it out, keeping your bits n’ pieces happy and healthy.
Using personal lubricants (lubes, for short) can enhance sexual pleasure. Also makes for a better experience by reducing friction and dryness during sex. But not all lubes are equal, especially if someone has sensitive skin.
“Some ingredients in lubricants can cause irritation to skin and mucous membranes,” explains Christie Cobb, MD, FACOG, a board-certified gynecologist and sexual wellness expert in Little Rock, Arkansas. “Irritation from lubricants can cause symptoms such as vaginal infections, burning, itching and rashes.”
Even if you’re new to the wild and wonderful world of butt stuff, you’ve probably already heard that anal sex requires lube, lube, and more lube — and for good reason, too. As sex and pleasure educator Luna Matatas explains, “The anus isn’t self-lubricating in the way that a vagina is, and the tissue can be delicate and easily injured if there’s too much friction.” Without anal lube, backdoor penetration of any kind — whether it be with a toy, a finger, or a penis — can be painful and even cause some mild bleeding afterward due to any tears in the sensitive anal canal tissue. Pretty sure that’s not anyone’s idea of a good time.
Sure, a little saliva can get the job done, but when you’re in the mood, the best lubes make everything better — and wetter. The only hitch? Amid a sea of seemingly endless options (it’s the Golden Age of Lube, after all), finding the right one can take even more research than securing the best vibrator. In the interest of keeping your search as frictionless as possible, we compiled everything you need to know about personal lubricant and pulled together a few tried-and-true options that work every time.
Say it with me: Vaginas are sensitive. And just like you might regularly pore over the ingredients in new serums before adding them to your skincare routine, you should pay extra-close attention to what’s in your lube — especially if you’re prone to vaginal dryness, pain, or irritation during or after sex.
A quick breakdown of the best lubes available: there are water-based, oil-based and silicone-based, and sometimes hybrids of two or more. Water-based lubricants can be used for vaginal and anal play (read our roundup of the best lube for anal here), but they aren’t just great for sex, either.
Throw on your bathing suits, folks, because we’re going down the slip-n-slide to find the best anal lube for you. Going into anal sex without a lubricant is like going through your day without coffee: painful and almost always unsuccessful. On a more serious note, “using lube for anal play is crucial,” Jenn Mason, founder, and owner of WinkWink, a Washington-based, women-owned sex shop, tells SELF. We spoke with experts to understand what to look for when shopping for anal lubes and why it’s beneficial for anal sex.
The anus has thin walls, doesn’t self-lubricate, and is surrounded by sphincter muscles that naturally tighten closed when touched. So for anal sex, experts suggest that you apply lots (and lots) of lube, get relaxed before penetration, start gradually with gentle stimulation (and work your way up), and communicate with your partner.
Being a rock star in the bedroom relies on learning more about women and their bodies.
I don’t know where the myth started that men (or women for that matter) are just supposed to know what women want in bed and how to make that happen. It’s as if they’re supposed to be born with magical powers. Well, I’ve got news for you. Ain’t no such thing. And not only is there no crime in educating yourself via books and reliable online information, there is also no crime in asking your partner what she digs. The vagina, vulva, and clitoris have been shrouded in mystery too long.
When you know the biology the fumbling is minimized.
There’s nothing sexy about fumbling around. At all. We get it. You’re nervous. You want to do it “right.” You want to impress us. Here’s the thing. We’re nervous too. There’s no “right” way to do any of it. And we’re way more interested in being satisfied than being impressed. Fumbling around is no fun for anyone. And sex should be fun! Better to arm yourself with information and go in knowing everything you can. You wouldn’t go skiing or show up in a foreign country without doing your research, right?
Caring enough to research is sexy as hell.
Knowing that the person you’re sleeping with bothered to find out how it all works is hot. Really hot. That level of caring in that department is a good indication – hopefully – about their level of caring in other relationship departments. Not to mention that it’s crazy sexy to be thinking about what your partner is reading about and looking at when you’re not around, including what sexy supplies they might be stocking up on. Although maybe best not to think about that at work or your next family reunion…
Asking a woman questions is hot.
Asking questions of the woman you’re sleeping with doesn’t have to be – and shouldn’t be – an interrogation. Think of it as part of the fun. Tell her the truth, you want to learn more and be the best you can for her. Ask her where she likes to be touched and what spots don’t work for her. Ask her to show you what turns her on. Watching your partner masturbate, for example, can help you learn a lot about her preferences when it comes to location, speed, pressure, and the like. The question game can be a whole lot of fun if you’re both willing to play!
It will increase your confidence in bed
There really is nothing sexier in bed than confidence. When you know the parts and what to do with them, you are far more likely to be confident going into the game. Then, your partner will see your confidence and that will increase her desire for you as well. It’s a win-win-win. It’s tough to be confident when your head is full of questions before, during, and even after. But if you learn the ropes ahead of time, you’ll be ready to swing into action effortlessly when the time comes.
The sex will be better. Period.
Let’s face it. No matter what we’re talking about, the more you know about the activity at hand and all of the equipment involved, the better that activity is likely to go. When you learn about how the female sexual parts work in general, let alone on your partner in particular, you are opening not just a window, but massive French doors to, as Aladdin would say, a whole new world! I’m sure there are some exceptions out there. But barring the outliers, I feel confident saying that the best sex you’ll ever have is educated sex.
Once you start researching, you never know what else you might learn.
While you’re digging around learning all about the magical clitoris and the mysterious – but very real – G-Spot, you are likely to stumble upon a plethora of information to which you had not previously been privy. Positions. Accessories. Erotica. You name it. This is one rabbit hole you won’t mind falling into. Just be sure you have plenty of privacy while you’re researching. And if you share your computer with minors, that you erase your search history. Words to the wise…
The research itself is a turn-on.
You would be hard pressed – no pun intended – not to get turned on just from doing the research. Whether it’s books, videos, articles online, whatever, you are bound to get inspired from all of that knowledge. You can use that as motivation to get that evening’s – or morning’s or afternoon’s – activities in motion. Think about doing the research when it won’t be long until you can put what you learned into practice. Or, do it when there’s a delay and let the anticipation do its magic when it comes to go time!
So get your learning on. Don’t do it at work. That could go badly. Very badly. But start finding out more about the intricacies about the female body and you’ll be amazed at how much you will be adored. There’s just no doubt about it – being a rock star in the bedroom is all about learning more about women and their bodies. Did you know the clitoris has 7000 plus nerve endings and its only role in life in to give women pleasure? Did you know that the word vagina only refers to the inner canal and that everything you see from the outside is the vulva? Did you know that 99% of women don’t orgasm from penetration alone? You know what they say – The more you know! It’s the most fun you’ll ever have studying. Trust me.
